I never thought I was a "fairy-tale-ending" type of girl. I love reading them, but I never thought I would get one. You know, the type where she's leaving or in trouble, and the guy wakes up, realizes he loves her and rushes to rescue her, the kind of story where it ends with the couple in each other's arms, and you know they will live "happily ever after".
I've never had someone love me like that.
And I just realized.. I want that. I am a closet romantic, though a lot of the big traditional romantic gestures leave me embarrassed and uncomfortable. But I want someone to come after me, no matter what I say, what I do.. to push through my walls and find out who I really am, and still want to be with me. I want that "wake up" moment.
You would think marriage would have provided some of that. But no, even during my marriage, what I got was slammed doors and silence, with the occasional chocolate bar to buy my peace. To this day, I don't enjoy chocolate bars as much, especially those that used to be my favorites. I didn't get passion and pursuit.. I got ignored, and when not ignored, abused.
It makes me sad. It also makes me realize that I will never again settle for less.
I settled for less when I married. I understand that now. I settled for the appearance of religion rather than a man who truly knew God and loved Him. I settled for convenience rather than commitment. I allowed him to just play house, rather than build a family, and a legacy. And I paid for it. I made a mistake.
I ignored the warning signs -- the aggression, the lack of financial stability, the "loans" I made him, got for him, the lack of ambition, the lack of plans for a future. I ignored the spiritual imbalance, the emotional immaturity that was obvious, and even the fact that I was already being taken advantage of. I even dismissed the warnings I was given by family and friends before my wedding. For what? Because I was afraid of being alone. Of being a single unwed mother.. again.
They say if you can dream it, you can do it. But dreams do not always come true. Sometimes it's because the dream isn't a good one. Sometimes because it's simply impossible. And sometimes.. sometimes it's because you tried, and you failed. You made a mistake, took a wrong turn, had an error in judgement.
I made a mistake, but I don't have to do it twice. In fact.. I did do it twice. So I'm a slow learner when it comes to this relationship thing. I can learn. And I will learn.
I'm no Disney princess. But I am a royal princess. I'm the daughter of the King of kings. And I think, if there's a next time, and that's a big IF!, I'll wait for my Daddy-God to pick the prince instead. Then maybe I won't end up with just the frog.