Monday, 7 October 2013

Fragile Feelings

Today was hard. I feel very fragile emotionally. And I don't feel free to show it, necessarily. I have very young children, who don't need to see their mother break down. Don't get me wrong, I do show my emotions around my girls, but they don't need to see me lose it, and that's exactly what I was on the verge of doing.

So I busied myself away from them for a bit. I cried in the bathroom, and sobbed while doing laundry. I was able to get control again, and be mama again after a few minutes, but I still feel raw. I find my throat hurts lots these days, from unshed tears.

The odd thing -- I still don't miss the man or the marriage. It's the heartbreaking thoughts of what could have been, what should have been .. what would have been if only he'd .. if only I could have.. These what-if thoughts drive me crazy. Moments like planning for Christmas this year, or going on a trip, only now without their father, make me hurt so bad for them.

My own loneliness doesn't seem as bad as it once was. Loneliness is magnified when you're ignored. Now, I'm just alone, not necessarily lonely. But I find myself acknowledging things I never wanted to admit. For example, I do want the companionable silence of marriage. But in order for silence in marriage to be companionable, there needs to be a friendship -- and that was never a part of my marriage.

I am trying to plan for my future, as a single woman. I don't believe I will ever have the opportunity for another committed relationship, and I know I will settle for nothing less, so I am putting aside those hopes. It seems like it was just a vague dream anyway, something I never really understood, let alone wanted. I have my family now, and I will be content with this.  I am trying to look forward, so envision what God may have in store for me. All the while, I mourn the passing of a future I thought I may have, that turned out to be mist and vapour, blown away in the wind.

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