Wednesday, 2 October 2013

Grief and growth..

As it stands right now, my marriage is over. My soon-to-be-ex husband views me as an object to get something from, as opposed to a person he can give to and who will give in return.  After 3 years now in counselling, my counsellors have told me that I should just go ahead and end the relationship.

I have been grieving this loss. I have lost not only my marriage, but my hope has died, my dreams are beyond reach, and my family is broken. I imagine that the death of a spouse would actually be better, because I would rest in the knowledge that my spouse loved me, even though he was gone. My husband doesn't love me, and doesn't want to, and that hurts worse than any physical attack.

I grieve the hope of a shared future, of future children. I mourn the loss of plans we -- apparently just me, in reality -- had, of making this house a home, of learning and growing and developing as a family. I feel lost, thinking about the impact we could have had, the influence and the ministry we might have had.  I feel robbed of security, of hope, of love and trust. I wish things were different.

I admit that I expected more and I am disappointed. I feel foolish too, because I look back and wonder if I had made different choices, would I be in this position, and I know I could have changed things. I have regrets, and at the same time, I am grateful.

As much as it hurts to end a relationship, there is a sense of relief too. The pain of an unfulfilled relationship is over. The abuses and hurts inflicted on me have ended, and I have the space and freedom to heal.

I trust God. I know my Father will redeem me. I know that my broken heart is safe in His hands. I am not anxious, though I am sad. I know this was not God's will -- God's will is for restoration, for renewal -- but I recognize my ex's right to choose. I also know that God promised to work all things together for my good, because I love Him, and it is His will that I have a future hope. I will grieve and heal, and I will look forward to better things.

I have grown closer to my first love. The distractions of my emotional confusion, my heart's desires and my mind's distrust, have cleared away, and my eyes turn back to my Saviour and my Best Friend, Jesus. I have been let down, again, and I am reminded that the only one who will never, never, never ever leave me or turn His back on me is Jesus. My mind goes back to the moments in the past where I was held by Him, where He provided, where He comforted.  I live in moment to moment, refusing to worry about my uncertain future, and refusing to be bitter about my unhappy past.

I am grieving... but I am growing.

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