I am ready to do something drastic. I've spent two years recovering, making stupid choices, coasting, surviving and pulling my head and heart back together after a 10 year roller coaster life. I've spent years reacting and responding, and while a lot of that is my own fault, a lot is not. But now, it's different. I'm in a different place.
Yes, I still have young children at home, but not babies. My youngest seems to be potty-training herself, actually, with very little encouragement or guidance from me. So diaper changing and nursing every few hours is a thing of the past for me. My oldest is now at the point where she can be trusted to watch a sibling or two for more than a few minutes (though not for an entire afternoon, really) and can be independent herself. I have downsized significantly, so my home care is also at a minimum. I also don't have the outdoor space to care for - no gardens to weed or lawns to cut. While I miss the gardening, I am appreciating the extra time I now have.
All this to say that, well, I have more time than I used to. And I have more space in my head to think. I don't have some areas to put on my to-do list, like I did once. In addition, I now have a form of child care. Funny how some things become more important to people once they are no longer immediately and continually available. My ex now takes any and all opportunities to be with our kids, where before, for me to ask for child care help was a huge imposition. But this does mean that I can take time just for me away from my kids.
Given all this, I'm not sure what to do. My life has changed, and is changing. But I feel restless at the same time. I don't know what to do with the extra time, and I feel like I need to do something just for me. People seem amazed at what I accomplish with and for my kids, and to be honest, most of the time I don't think about it, but if I do, I frankly am amazed myself. But at the same time, I feel the need to do something.. just for me.
Perhaps I will look into school or training for myself, and actually start the career I gave up when I became a mother. Maybe a hobby or perhaps I can finally lose the weight years of poor habits, babies and lack of time has heaped on me. Or just maybe.. maybe I will take the time to breathe. To relax into this space. There is no need to rush into any rash choices -- after all, it was thoughtless hurrying that kind of got me into a lot of this.
Time to breath. That sounds really really good. Maybe I don't need to be drastic after all.