Wednesday, 3 February 2016

Relationship reflections

Every once in a while something comes across my path -- a facebook post, an email, a blog post -- that makes me reflect on my former marriage. Even though I'm a year plus post divorce, I still evaluate and weigh my choices in that relationship.

I was reading a blog post "An open letter to a sh**ty husband" (excuse the language) by a divorced single father.You can read it here. He wasn't deliberately cruel or violent like my ex. He was simply.. neglectful. Immature. A little selfish perhaps. Clueless.  And his wife left. He wrote a series of blog posts that detailed the reasons why, in his opinion, she left.

Reading through those reasons, I found myself agreeing with some, though definitely not all. My ex wasn't just neglectful, but intentionally hurtful. That's a different story.

But to be honest, it wasn't his abuse that made me leave. I didn't leave my abusive husband because he was abusive. I didn't leave because he physically attacked me. I didn't leave because he was so controlling, that I couldn't even get a driver's licence, that I had to beg him to take me to medical appointments, that I lived with neglected infections that have caused lifelong problems..

No I didn't leave because of the violence.

I left, because it finally dawned on me that raising a family and running a household would be easier without him than with him. It would be easier to be a single parent of 5 young children, even with a special needs child, even with a newborn baby and toddler and preschooler, even with no job, no experience, no support... It would be easier to be without him than with him.

I left because living with him, not including the violence and tension and fear and walking on eggshells and everything, was so frustrating, so aggravating, so.. hard.. that doing it on my own was easier.

The truth is - it is easier. It's easier to raise 5 children on my own than to try to parent with a man who is so uninvolved in his children's lives, he didn't even know their birthdates. It's easier to clean a house with 5 young children running rampant, and their ensuing chaos, than to try to clean a house with a man who is so oblivious that he would complain about the dirty dishes, while leaving his all over the house. It's easier to plan a fun day out with my kids by myself than it is to try to manage their disappointment because daddy, yet again, decided work was more important than our family.

Leaving my husband was easier than trying to make a life with a man who didn't want it.

You can't push on a rope.

It wasn't the abuse that ended my marriage, really.  I never really had a marriage to begin with.

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