Monday, 23 May 2016

Threadbare and Tired

I came across this phrase this morning in my devotional: threadbare.
Normally it refers to clothes.. the worn places on jeans, socks and towels, where the individual threads show. But in this case, threadbare is the term for my soul. I am weary. I am worn out. I am tired.. I am threadbare.

It has been a long, stressful journey. I am finding it hard to focus on the positives -- like giving birth to 5 beautiful amazing children. I look back over the course of my adult life, and I see.. trauma. Poor choices. Stress. Survival mode. Crisis.  I can't see the bigger picture anymore. I feel lost in the details.

Threadbare. I'm so worn that the individual threads of my life, of my being are showing.  I'm afraid that any more stress and they will snap.  There are some physical issues going on that aren't helping, but sleep doesn't cure soul-exhaustion.

I ask that You would weave new life into every area that feels threadbare and worn thin. 

New life. This is what I need: new life.  I need someone to take the worn places, the threadbare spots, and not just patch, not just darn it, but reweave it. T

o take the individual strings and bring them back into wholeness. 

Thank God for Jesus. 

I'm struggling to find the hope. I have started over so many times, that starting over again, even though it's in a very nice place, with more support and more friends than I've ever had in my life, starting over just seems .. impossible.  How do you rebuild, when every time you try it just gets washed away, torn down, burnt up and destroyed? I'm so scared of even attempting to put down roots, because I wonder what the next few months will hold. I know how quickly things can change. A life can be utterly changed in the second it takes to pee on a stick or sign your name to paper or say a few irrevocable words. 

I realize that all the blog rules say be positive. But I'm going to be real. This is my journey, and this is my life. The struggle is real. I'm a real woman, raising a family alone, dealing with all the challenges of divorce, domestic violence, and disability. My real life is not easy-peasy, smooth-sailing, got-it-all-figured-out superwoman. It's more like roller-coaster, up-and-down, make-it-up-as-I-go super mess.  

I'm threadbare. I'm tired. But my story isn't over yet. And just as all those life changes happened so quickly, I know that this too will change. I may struggle to find the hope, but I have never once lost my faith. I will keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep rising each day to the tasks, meals, laundry and toys, books and papers that mark my hours, and keep trying to lay down to rest my body, if not my mind and heart. I will do what I can to learn and laugh and just .. live

1 comment:

  1. May God provide some real refreshment for your soul very soon, Sarah! "Streams in the Desert," etc! 💜💜💜